


Why do you hate me so much? Version 2

by ReignMyWorld



Series: Why do you hate me so much? [2]
Category: Professional Wrestling, Roman Reigns - Fandom, WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College AU, F/M, Reader Insert, Self-Harm, Suicide, roman reigns angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 18:15:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReignMyWorld/pseuds/ReignMyWorld
Summary: You and Roman are at the same college. You don’t really have an easy time opening up to people but you nevertheless thought that you had found a friend in Roman, only to learn otherwise as you overhear him telling his friends that he’s the opinion of having fulfilled his dare of becoming friends with you to it fullest. Your world is crashing down as you had really thought that you could trust him.





	Why do you hate me so much? Version 2

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: angst, self-harm, college AU, suicide
> 
> Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader
> 
> Note: This has been a request on Tumblr. The request was: “Can it be a high school au? Where like roman and the reader are friends but she hears him tell his other friends it’s a dare to be friends with them and other cry worthy things happen?“ I had the approval to change it to a College AU and make it angsty to the max. And since I have no shame when it comes to outmost angst, I really enjoyed writing that one shoot (although I absolutely despise the Roman of that story), so thank you so much for requesting it. :-)
> 
> Note 2: Please note that I have written a first and a third version of this story. The beginning and middle part is the same, but the ending differs. You can read Version 1 (angsty ending, no suicide) and Version 3 (fluffy ending) if you look up the other parts of this series.    
> Please only continue reading if you don’t get triggered by the topic of suicide. (Have I mentioned yet that I despise the Roman of this story? Because I really do…) 
> 
> Originally published here: https://reignmyworld.tumblr.com/post/171105593276/why-do-you-hate-me-so-much-version-2-roman

College was never a place that you felt absolutely comfortable at. If you were honest that was something that had accompanied you ever since elementary school. It was not that you were a character people couldn’t like but you somehow always had a hard time trusting people around you. It might have been that way because your family was not really a safe place, somewhere you could feel protected. Your mum loved you, you knew she did but since your father had left when you were still a baby, she had to work up to two or three jobs in order to pay the rent and bring you and herself through life. Most of the time you therefore were on your own, sticking rather to yourself than searching the company of other people. Of course you had some friends in kindergarten and you also had a few close people in elementary school as well as junior and senior high, that you considered your friends, but truth was that you were never one of those popular kids. You were rather introverted and while others would just chat random people up like it was nothing, you just couldn’t do it. Something just stopped you from doing so, kind of held you back, resulting in you being one of those kids, that had to deal with bullies from time to time.

As years went by you somehow got used to it to just call a handful of people your friends and not to be invited to a lot of parties. You didn’t even really miss that since you were not a huge fan of people gathering together but from time to time you found yourself wondering how it would be like to be a part of the more popular ones, those people that had a huge circle of friends, that were invited to every party taking place and those that were admired by other ones. It’s not like you would have experienced something like that ever, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t wonder. You nevertheless made it through junior and senior high quite alike and your good grades helped you to receive a scholarship for the college you always wanted to go to. What made you even happier than the scholarship itself was the pride on your mother’s face when you told her. Besides that, you were beyond happy that you could finance it on your own and wouldn’t rely on your mother’s money.  
Although your first few weeks at college had been rather bumpy, it nevertheless got easier. Your lectures were everything you had expected, contrary to your initial fear your roommate had become a pretty close friend and you had the feeling that people here were all in all more mature. You hadn’t been exactly picked on during high school - or at least you tried to tell you that the bullying was not that bad - but with you being more introverted and less loud than other people around you, you heard a few dumb words here and there, but nothing that would have hurt you deep within. You just didn’t fit in plain and simple. Actually it was more than that, but it was always easier for you to pretend that it didn’t hurt you than to admit that it cut you like a knife on the inside.

Your first few months at college had been rather quiet. You considered your roommate the closest friend you had and although you had been chatting with a few of the quieter people here and there you only considered 2 or 3 of them your friends. But that was nothing you actually minded. You had gotten used to being alone mainly from an early age on and you rather preferred not being part of a group than to give in to the peer pressure they would certainly put on you so you would act more to their standards and liking than to your own. And although it could have been hard from time to time, you didn’t break as you had no idea what you were missing out on. This, however, had changed a few weeks ago when your best friend convinced you to go to one of those college parties with her. Contrary to you she was rather popular, not exactly top cheerleader popular but at least she had a rather large circle of friends, she hung out with.

She had always tried to introduce you but you avoided any occasion by telling her different excuses. However, with regard to that one party, you couldn’t really slip through. It was one of those bigger ones, where basically the majority of the college would be there and your friend had a rather good reason to convince you. “No seriously Y/N you really have to go there.”, she said as she was sitting in front of her make up mirror, brushing her hair. You crooked an eyebrow at her, wanting to know: “Why should it make any difference? I haven’t been to any of the other parties. Why should I go to this one?” Y/F/N looked at you as if you had just asked whether breathing was necessary in order to live. She stared at you for a few moments before she wanted to know: “You really don’t know why it is that important, do you?” You shrugged your shoulders, replying: “Not one bit if I’m honest.” She turned around fully to you before she came over, sitting down next to you on the bed as she explained: “Y/N, I know that you are not into this whole party thing and I know that you don’t really care whether people like you or not.” You flinched slightly as this was not the whole truth but you didn’t want to enlighten her. Instead you waited until she would continue explaining and it didn’t take long until she added: “This party is like the biggest thing college has to over. Everyone is invited, everyone is supposed to be there since it is organized by this year’s alumni. Not going there would be social suicide. I have no idea how people treated you throughout your high school time. But no matter how mature everyone around here should be, you can be sure that they will make your life a living hell if you don’t go there. You don’t have to stay for long but just go there for a limited amount of time. We can hang out and when you feel like going, we can leave.”

You thought about it for a moment. Of course you were not keen on going there but you didn’t want to be treated like a lazar just because you didn’t feel like going. Somehow you would make it you told yourself. And if it was just for a few minutes to be seen there so you would avoid people picking on you afterwards, calling you a freak once again like it had happened back in junior and senior high. So you nodded your head, saying: “Okay I’m coming.” Y/F/N smiled at you as she said: “Perfect and who knows? Maybe you get to know some nice people there. I mean not everyone is a complete jerk here at college.”

The next weekend came faster than you expected it to and the party was basically the only thing everyone was talking about. You were beyond nervous because crowded places like that simply were not your thing but you tried your best to make it. You looked in the mirror and decided that you looked good. Of course you knew that you were not what people described as classic beauty like young Elizabeth Taylor but you were good looking nevertheless. But since you didn’t feel like you would fit in anywhere people often didn’t pay attention to any aspect of you. As you heard your friend ask: “Y/N, are you ready to go?”, you took one deep breath and joined her. It didn’t take long until you reached the party and you immediately felt out of place like you had done so often during your high school times. It didn’t take you long to figure out that all of the popular college kids were there, be it freshman or sophomore. Most of the people that were already there were trapped in conversations with their group of friends. Of course you were there with your best friend but that didn’t mean that you didn’t feel completely alone and uncomfortable on the inside although you tried to send out at least some confidence, that you were not really feeling. Y/F/N took your hand and dragged you into the crowd, introducing you to a whole bunch of people that you really didn’t feel like getting to know but you nevertheless exchanged a few words with them in order to prevent that you seemed to be impolite. You could see that the other people there kept eyeing you, probably marking you as “not one of us” in their head. You hoped that the minutes would pass, so you could excuse yourself in order to go home.  
As you were passing a bunch of football players, that was in the middle of a conversation, Y/F/N didn’t bother to stop but she just greeted them as she passed them. When you were passing a rather huge guy with pitch black hair and dark brown eyes, she winked at him, saying: “Hey Roman” with him replying: “Hey sweetheart, you wanna join us?” She giggled as she answered: “Maybe later. I’m busy right now.”

“Yeah you want to introduce your little friend to me?”, he wanted to know, a sly smirk on his face as she once again answered: “Maybe later.” With that she guided you to the other side of the room, further away from the group. As you were not in hearing reach anymore she said: “That was Roman Reigns.” You shrugged your shoulders as you answered: “Yeah I know who he is. One of those football players everyone wants to be friends with.” She nodded her head, saying: “Yeah basically. If you want me to I can introduce you to his group of friends but I thought..” You interrupted her as you said: “That I’m anything else but worthy?” You saw how she slightly blushed and although it kind of hurt you, you nevertheless managed to smile as you answered: “Don’t worry Y/F/N. I’m not exactly keen on making his or his friends’ acquaintance anyway. I’m quite aware that people like him treat people like me like they are shit and worth less than the dirt under their fingernails.” Y/F/N shook her head as she tried to convince you: “No Y/N I’m sure he is not like that.” You shrugged your shoulders as you mumbled: “Any good looking guy that knows that girls queue in order to be with him is like that.”

As you saw her puzzled look you said: “Don’t worry Y/F/N. It’s all good. If you want to go in order to talk to him, do so. I’m walking around on my own for a couple more minutes until it’s socially accepted that I leave, having done my deed here.” She gave you a strange look and you could tell that she was torn between leaving you and between sticking with you. But since you had assured her several more times that it would be okay, she told you that she would see you back in your room before she vanished into the crowd, leaving you where you were. You took a deep breath as you headed for the table where some drinks were waiting. While going over there you were quite aware that Roman and his group of friends were pointing into your direction before they started discussing something but you tried to file it under you just being your paranoid self and that they definitely had better things to do than talk about you. As you reached the table you grabbed your favorite drink before you headed for the door in order to go for a blow since you couldn’t stand the bulk in there, so many people in one place making you extremely uncomfortable. You saw a vacant bank and decided to sit down there for a bit, enjoying the fresh air the night had to offer.

After a couple of minutes you got up and headed for the exit, absolutely determined that you had spent more than enough time here and that it was absolutely acceptable now if you returned to your room. “Don’t tell me that you already want to leave.”, you heard a deep voice and you knew that it sounded familiar. As you turned your head, you saw Roman standing there, one of his eyebrows crooked as he was waiting for your answer. “Looks like it”, you mumbled, feeling anything else but comfortable in his presence. He was good looking and he probably knew it. Guys like him always meant trouble, not that you had your fair share with them. At least not the way most people wished they had. You knew guys like him, guys that were popular and even increased their popularity by making fun of people like you. And you were not willing to let something like that happen again. “Don’t tell me that you are afraid of me”, he smirked as he was coming nearer, making you instantly take a step back as you answered: “Not afraid, just not too keen of dealing with you.” You could see the amused look on his face as he was stopping right in front of you, saying: “Don’t worry I’m not a big bad wolf about to bite. I just wanted to introduce myself.” You gave him a skeptical look as you wanted to know: “Why would someone like you feel the need to introduce yourself to someone like me?”

He looked honestly surprised as he questioned: “Why not? You seem like a pretty nice person, you’re good looking. Why shouldn’t I be interested in making your acquaintance?” You tried to figure out whether he was just playing with you and if so what kind of mind games he was playing. He didn’t seem to be anything but sincere but you didn’t really trust him. Roman however reached out his hand to you, a big smile on his face and said: “I’m Roman.” You knew that it was absolutely impolite to not react, so you grabbed his hand, shook it and mumbled: “Y/N” He didn’t let go of your hand for what felt like an eternity before he released it eventually, asking once again: “So you really want to leave already?” You shrugged your shoulders as you replied: “Yeah, I’m not really a fan of big crowds. Besides that, I’m suffering from a headache, so heading back home seems to be the best option.”

“Do you mind if I walk with you?”, he wanted to know and everything inside you screamed that you should find a good excuse. But he seemed to be really friendly and polite, giving you the feeling that maybe he was not like you expected him to be, that maybe he really wanted to get to know you for whatever reasons. And you thought that maybe in college you should meet new people with less skepticism and be more open minded, granting them that not everyone’s intentions were completely bad. You eventually agreed and while walking with him, you had to admit that he was a pretty nice guy that seemed to be not only sincere but also knew how to push your buttons so you would open up a little bit more, letting your guards down that you had kept up throughout the last years.

When your friend came home later that night you immediately told her about your encounter with Roman and you noticed the strange expression on her face before it vanished. As you had asked her what was wrong she just shook her head as she said that she wouldn’t have him expected to talk you up but she nevertheless was happy because him wanting to get to know you could help you to get to know some people around here, could help you to have another presence than the one you had in high school. You didn’t really know whether you wanted that or not but if you were honest to yourself it wouldn’t sound too bad for a change.

Several weeks had passed since that party and you and Roman had become friends in the meantime. He introduced you to his circle of friends, that primarily existed of other football players, a bunch of cheerleaders and a lot of other popular people quite alike and although you could feel that something was off, you tried to push that thought aside, trying to enjoy the new feeling you were experiencing instead. At first you didn’t dare to trust him but the more time you had spent with him the more that bad gut feeling vanished. You two would head to the movies or to the diner in order to eat something there. You would talk about almost anything, the only thing you didn’t tell him about was how people treated you in the past. You were laughing a lot and you really felt like you could trust him. You were even watching him practice football from time to time or would go to some of his games although that was so absolutely not your kind of thing. But he had told you that it meant something to him, so you jumped over your own shadow. And although being part of his circle of friends still felt strange, you at least had the feeling of being accepted since it had been Roman who had brought you in. The more time you spent with them, the more of the impression you got that he was something like their leader and if they would say something harsh directed towards you, he would just glare at them and they would apologize right away. That little bad gut feeling was still there, but you couldn’t deny that you were so happy about finally being in a group of friends that you tried to ignore it the best you could.

It was one of those days where Roman had practice way after the sun had set already but he he made you promise him that you would wait for him until he came out of the locker room. As you were waiting, the majority of his team colleagues had already left and just as you thought that he had forgotten that you were still waiting there, you saw him come out of the locker room with his best friend. They were laughing and joking and although you couldn’t understand what they were talking about, you nevertheless could tell that both of them were highly amused as they were high-fiving each other. As Roman saw you sitting on the bleachers he said something to his best friend, making him nod in agreement before he headed for the parking lot, waving towards you and yelling: “Bye Y/N” before he vanished just as you returned his farewell. Roman was heading towards you, a big smile on his face as he said: “Thank you for waiting for me Y/N”

“Anytime”, you smiled at him before he sat down next to you, his thigh rubbing against yours while doing so. You had to stop yourself from shifting away due to the sudden touch but as you were quite sure that your bodies touched unintentionally, you just tried to shrug it off. With an amused look he wanted to know: “So have you discovered your love and passion for football by now?” You had to laugh out loud as you were shaking your head, grinning: “No and that will probably never happen. But I like the fact that people can be so passionate about a sport like that.”

“For some of us football is life.”, he chuckled, making you nod in agreement. “Yeah I can understand that.” You sat in silence for a couple of minutes just staring up in the night sky where stars surely were sparkling although you couldn’t see them due to all the flood lights lightning up the football field. As you turned your attention away from it, you noticed that Roman was staring at you, making you shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Is something wrong with my face?”, you wanted to know, trying to ease the tension. “Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful?”, he whispered as he was reaching out to your face, gently tracing his fingertips over your lips. You were shocked, not only by his words but also by his touch and if you were honest, you had no idea how you should react. You hated to admit it but you enjoyed his touch as well as his presence, more than you would have guessed. It was new for you to let someone come near you, opening up and trusting them. You waited for his next move, watched him leaning in before his lips met yours, gently kissing you while you returned his gentle touch. You had no idea why but right here with him in that moment you felt safe. You didn’t know how long you sat there while he gently kissed you, his tongue exploring your mouth.

As you broke apart you breathed heavily just like he did and with a last “I should probably bring you home” you headed for his car, only to lie in your bed sound and safe minutes later. You couldn’t do anything about that happy smile on your face as you dared to think that maybe college wasn’t so bad after all, maybe you would finally find the love you had dreamt off for so long. But by the next day you already had to realize that it was all just wishful thinking as reality hit you with full force.

You were on your way back from your last lecture before lunch break. Since you challenged yourself to be more outgoing and to spend more time with the people whose circle you had stumbled into, you grabbed something to eat in the cafeteria and headed for Roman’s and his friends’ usual table. There was quite some noise and you once again knew why you actually hated eating there but after anything that had happened throughout the last weeks, you realized that you would have to change part of your usual behavior if you wanted to belong somewhere. And you had the silly hope that Roman was indeed the person you could belong to. Those hopes were about to be crushed however in just a few seconds, turning your world upside down.

As you were drawing nearer you saw a beautiful girl sitting on his lap that was pulling a disgusted face as you heard her say loud and clear: “Eeeeeeew my god I can’t believe that you kissed that freak and then dared to kiss me afterwards.” You heard Roman’s deep chuckle as he answered: “Don’t worry babe it’s not like I enjoyed it. And I can assure you that I’ve washed my mouth with soap as soon as I’ve arrived home. You should have been there, it was absolutely sad. She had no idea what she was doing. And can you believe that she really bought the „you are beautiful“ crap?” His friends were laughing out loud as he was obviously sharing the actions of last night with them. Before he continued he french kissed the girl on his lap before he grunted: “Just like I like it.” as soon as they had broke apart. One of his team mates laughed out loud as he said: “I really can’t believe that it was so easy. I mean when she came here she seemed to be such a hard case and when we gave you that dare of being friends with her, we really thought that you would fail right away. I mean who in their right mind would even waste their precious time with a freak like Y/N.” Roman laughed out loud as he answered: “Hey man, a challenge is a challenge. She’s eating out of my hand. If I asked her to suck me off, she would probably drop to her knees right away since she’s so desperate to belong somewhere. I still can’t believe that it was so easy to wrap her around my finger that day of the party. When you guys dared me to become friends with her just a couple of days before I really thought that I would have to waste the majority of the year but the nut job is so desperate to not be alone that it’s actually quite sad.”

Another one of his team mates wanted to know: “How about we increase the task at hand? I will pay you good money if you manage to fuck her by the end of the semester.” The girl on his lap sent his teammate a deathly glare while Roman wanted to know kind of bored, his face nevertheless showing a certain degree of disgust: “Why the hell would I want to fuck her if I can have that sexy piece of meat on my lap every time I ask for it?” His friend chuckled as he answered: “Hey it was you that said a challenge is a challenge and you’re always up for one.“You had no idea what you were feeling in that moment as you turned completely numb, your whole world shattering around you. You always knew how cruel people could be, you had experienced it several times back at high school but this right here had reached a new level of cruelty. You had thought that you could trust him, you let him in, opened up, thought that he would be different, only to learn that he was exactly what you always thought, always feared. You felt as if someone had skinned you alive, every piece of pain, hurt, sadness and agony washing over you. You hadn’t even realized that you had drawn their attention to you as you had let your dish tray fallen, food as well as pieces of glass and porcelain flying everywhere. You could not even see their faces at first as tears clouded your sight. Their voices were distant, nothing around you mattered anymore. You had never been betrayed like that, never been hurt like that and the worst thing of all was, that you blamed yourself for it. Blamed yourself for having trusted him, blamed yourself for trying to change, blamed yourself for having that irrational thought and dream of belonging somewhere.

From a distance you heard your own sobs as you dropped to your knees in order to clean up the mess you had caused. As your vision grew clearer and noises reached your ear again, you heard their sadistic laughs, saw their amused faces. No one of them, not one seemed to be able to feel something like compassion for you. As you glanced in Roman’s face he gave you a sly smirk, his deep voice asking: "What? Have you really thought that someone like me would be willingly friends with a nut job like you? If it wasn’t that funny it would be extremely sad.” With that him as well as his group of friends got up and made their way past you, one of his team mates stomping into your food, sending parts of it right into your face. No one in the cafeteria dared to get up and help you, mostly because they knew that doing so would make them a loser quite alike. You had no idea how long you had been sitting there, crying over anything that had happened while you were gathering your mess together, before you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder.  
As you turned your head you saw your roommate kneeling next to you, her face full of compassion as she helped you clean up the chaos before she brought you back to your room. You hadn’t known how much you had needed her, but her just sitting there with you, holding you close, was enough you could have asked for in that moment. You should have believed her from the very beginning, should have stayed away from him although she had told you to do so for different reasons. You would have never guessed that your life could have changed so much in such a short amount of time, from one moment to the next.

It didn’t matter where you went to the next days, be it lectures or lunch break, the library or just over the campus itself, you always felt as if all eyes were set on you. And even worse, you had the feeling as if you were watching yourself from the outside. It didn’t feel like it was you anymore but some random stranger that had lost herself. No matter how hard you tried it, you couldn’t avoid crossing paths with Roman and whenever you saw him, there was nothing left from the sweet guy you thought you had spent so many beautiful times with and you had considered your friend. Now that he didn’t have to fulfill his dare anymore he always had a nasty comment on his lips whenever he saw you, calling you names, letting you feel how small and unimportant you were contrary to the people he was surrounding himself with. You had no words to describe how much it had pained you to fall for that beautiful lie he made you believe. You had no idea what you had done to him that he obviously hated you so much, wanting to hurt you in all ways possible.

But just as you thought that it couldn’t get worse you were passing the hallway some day as you realized that the noises around you increased. When you were passing a bunch of people that you didn’t even now, you suddenly heard one of them say: “Can you believe it? I mean after how she had humiliated herself in the cafeteria, she obviously really went to Roman soon after begging him to take her back. And you have to imagine how big of a heart he must have as he tried to ease her pain by spending the night with her. Can you even think of how much of a sacrifice it must be for a guy like him to sleep with a desperate human being like her?” You could not believe your ears as you suddenly stopped in your tracks. You didn’t even know why you tried to explain yourself as you almost silently breathed: “That’s not true, nothing like that had happened.” But they just shot you some pitiful looks as they continued to spread the gossip about you. You felt tears streaming down your face as you tried to get away, tried to escape from that all.

As you were heading for the door you crashed right into Roman, losing your balance and falling to the floor. He leaned down and for a brief second you thought that he would help you but then you realized that he was watching you with that sly smirk of his, that you hated so much. You couldn’t control the sobbing as you wanted to know: “Why do you do this to me? All of this? I thought you were my friend. How can you hate me so much?” He didn’t care about humiliating you even more as he stroked a strain of hair behind your ear, giving you a sadistic laugh as he mumbled: “Oh don’t worry Y/N, I don’t hate you. For me it’s just fun seeing people like you suffer. You are so weak, it’s disgusting.” With that he got up, leaving you where you were, no-one else paying attention to you as you were crying out your despair in the middle of the hallway.

When you returned to your room that night you grabbed a scissor, cutting deep into your arm again and again until blood was dripping down on the floor and you felt the physical pain overshadowing the emotional one. You had resisted for a long time to hurt yourself. For so long actually that you almost forgot how good it felt when you could let go of the emotional pain. When your roommate found you later that night, she held you in her arms, crying with you over everything that had happened, promising you that she would help you make it through and that she would be by your side until everything that had happened would be pushed in the back of the heads of the other students while it still would accompany you for the rest of your life, having taught you one thing; you would never make the mistake of trusting someone again and of opening up to other people. You would rather stick to yourself for the rest of your life, all alone, not letting anyone else in. And all because a bunch of arrogant football players thought it would be fun to mentally and emotionally destroy you.

At least that was what you had tried to do. You tried to be strong, you tried to somehow make it, but the truth was, that you felt that it was harder and harder each day to get by. You couldn’t bear the looks that lasted from amused to pitiful, you couldn’t make your way with your head held high and most of all you could not forget what had happened, being reminded about everything whenever you saw Roman. You really thought that he would be different, that he was a great and compassionate guy, but you should have been listening to your bad gut feeling all along. And no matter how hard you tried to leave it behind, to get through, you just couldn’t.

It took you some time, you had no idea whether it were days, weeks or even months but eventually you made a decision. A decision that was hard at first but once you started to like the idea, it seemed to be the only option.You had only made it through the last days since harming yourself grew to become you constant companion. Whenever you cut yourself, watching the dark red blood leaving your wounds, you felt more alive than before, you felt as if you were able to numb the emotional pain forever. And yet you knew that this was not the solution you were looking for. You covered up your scars and whenever you took your scissor or your razor, you made sure that not even your best friend would knew about it.

You had prepared everything for that special day. You knew that your roommate would be away for the night so you had your room all to yourself. When you went to your lectures that day it felt as if a huge burden had left you and when you saw Roman, just like you had hoped that you would, it didn’t pain you for the first time since anything had happened. You willingly ran into him and just as he was cursing you out, you slipped the little paper into the pocket of his jeans, not caring whether he would find it this evening, the one after or even several days after as it wouldn’t concern you any longer then.

When you can home that evening, you laid down in your bed, listening to your favorite band singing about all of the pain, hurt and betrayal in this world and for the first time ever, you seemed to understand what this was all about. With a feeling of having found the peace you were looking for for so long, you took the pack of sleeping pills that lied on your night stand, gulping all of them down with the help of the water standing next to you, waiting for them to work their wonder on you as you lied down so eternal sleep could welcome you in his arms.

As you were lying on your bed, Roman threw his backpack in the next best corner of his room, still annoyed that today’s football practice didn’t go according to plan. As he undressed in order to jump into a simple shirt and sweatpants, he remembered the encounter with you. He didn’t know why but he got his hands in his pocket, feeling the little paper in one of them. He didn’t even have to think twice in order to know that it must have been you, that slipped it in while you were crashing into him. Out of reflex he already wanted to toss it into the trash can but something stopped him. He couldn’t even say why but instead of throwing it away, he sat down on his bed, unfolded it and started reading, his heart sinking with every word that unfolded it’s deep meaning with full force.

His hands were slightly shaking as he read the following lines:

_“As I had already told you, I don’t know what I have done to you to deserve all of this, what I have done to you that you hate me so much. You have no idea what I had to go through throughout my whole life. For people like you it is pure fun to bully people like me, but for us it has a deeper meaning. It doesn’t matter how much of a fun you think it is but people like me, we are suffering, we are taking it by heart, we try our best to somehow make it through this life and to somehow fit in, all while knowing that we are alone, that we have no one to trust but ourselves, that we are better off by hurting ourselves than sharing our feelings with other people._

_At the beginning I thought that you were different, I thought that I could trust you, probably because I have longed so much for someone that could understand me, that would be there for me, that would accept me for who I am. I am not really blaming you since I’m the only one to blame, to blame for letting my guard down, to blame for being desperate enough to ignore my bad gut feeling and to open up. All because I thought that you would be different and that you could see more in me than just the freak everyone else saw in me. I thought, no, I hoped that I had found a real friend in you but it was all just a beautiful lie._

_You’re probably asking yourself by now why I’m writing this to you, why you are reading all of this… I just wanted you to know that no matter how hard you had hurt and betrayed me with your actions, you nevertheless helped me. You helped me to make a decision, helped me to find my inner peace, helped me to realize that all the pain and betrayal is not worth getting up every morning and somehow make it through the day with this procedure repeating itself again and again, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. And therefore I want to thank you, Roman. You and your actions helped me to make the decision that I won’t find the peace in this world that I’m craving for._

_So while you’re reading those lines the overdose of sleeping pills I had been taking has probably already done its deed. And while I’m leaving this world after having made my peace, it is you that has to bear the consequences now. Because if you just have a little bit of consciousness and I’m not willing to let that hope die, then I want you to know that I can rest peacefully while you have to somehow live with the knowledge that part of my blood is on your hands as well._

_I’m sad that I won’t be there to witness your reaction but at least I hope that you’re not as cold-hearted as you seemed to be and that you will shed a tear or two when realizing that I probably would still be there if you and your friends hadn’t thought that it was so much fun playing with my feelings due to a stupid dare, adding just enough to destroy me completely after I had been pushed down and gotten back to my feet for the majority of my life.“_

Roman was re-reading the lines in his hands for several more times. His hands were shaking uncontrollably while tears were streaming down his face. No matter how much fun it was for him and his friends, he never wanted something like that to happen. He had to get to you, had to prevent you from doing what you had written you would.

As he grabbed his keys and ran out of his room in order to get to yours, he prayed that it was all just a sick joke, that you were doing well and would pay him back with his own weapons. He owed you an apology, he knew that he did, and he would be glad to give you one if you were just safe and sound. His heart however completely sank, when he reached the house you were living in and he saw the blue blinking lights, not only belonging to the police but also to the emergency. A short glance told him that there was even the car of a medical examiner waiting.

He gulped hard as he made his way through the people waiting outside and just as he made it to the door, they were pushing out a bar with a black body bag on top of it. He stopped in his tracks, shock taking over as he was close to breaking down. As he saw that your best friend was leaving the house, crying in pain and agony, he knew that it was you on that bar. When your best friend saw him, her emotions ran free as she ran over to him, her fists hitting his upper body again and again, all while screaming: "You have killed her. You fucking asshole, you have killed her. If it wasn’t for you, she would still be alive.”

Roman didn’t even try to defend himself as he knew that she was right. If it wasn’t for him and his friends, that thought it would be fun to have a good laugh at your costs, you would still be around. And that was something that he had to live with - for the rest of his life. And no matter what he would do, there was no way of turning back time and making things right. You were right, you had been able to leave this world after having made your peace, but he would suffer for the rest of his life, knowing that your blood was on his hands.


End file.
